well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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