Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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