Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
