I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
