I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
