he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.