I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?