This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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