I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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