Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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