I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
