Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
