im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
