Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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