First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
