i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He passed out mid-signature
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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