The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
