Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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