What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
