why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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