I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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