R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
