She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
