i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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