At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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