I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
