if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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