literally had 100 drinks last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
