Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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