Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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