why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
