She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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