The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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