My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
