you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
