This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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