I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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