I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
