Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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