I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
