just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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