You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize