do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
