if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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