How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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