I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
