are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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