Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize