There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
