bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
