I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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