i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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