she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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