If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
