There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
