i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
