So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The best revenge is premature balding
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
